Okay so I know that not everyone has gotten the whole story so I wanted to explain so that everyone is on the same page. Some of this will be hard for some people to read and for that I am sorry but this is the WHOLE story.
At a young age, I was sexually abused. From the moment that started, I began to talk myself into that it was my fault. After everything came out, a family member said that it was my fault because I showed off my body when I was a child; I was in a bathing suit often, I wore lots of shorts, etc. Once that little seed was placed in my mind, I started to look for ways to be less pretty. I found solace in food. If I had a bad day, I ate; I didn't feel good, I ate; I was bored, I ate. It was the one thing that I turned to that could never forsake me. It couldn't talk back. It couldn't walk away. It was constant. I have spent my life hiding behind the things that have happened to me that I had no control over. I have always been the fat kid. I have never been the one that got hit on in the middle of the mall. I wanted so badly to feel like I was loved but also to go through life unnoticed.
Fast forward to age 19, I met the most amazing man in the world and he taught me that I can be loved and look beautiful and not have to worry about disgusting people harming me. I still had the same habits though. People think that giving up smoking is difficult, try giving up something that EVERYONE has to do. It is like giving up breathing!!! I have been working to teach myself to realize when my body is actually hungry for months. I have begun to work out regularly.
I have had the same doctor for a while and I really like her. She sent me to the nutritionist last year and I worked with them for a LONG while with very little change. A few months ago, I decided to look into surgical options. Dr Ash and I decided to put in the referral to see the doctor in Frankfurt.
As I am still who I am, I began the moment that we put in the referral to look for people around here who had dealt with my doctor or had the surgery previously. I met up with some awesome ladies and they answered all of my questions and put my mind at ease. Plus, I spent HOURS searching for information about the surgery, about my recovery, the left over skin, etc.
While Justin was home on R & R, we went up to Frankfurt and met with the doctor and got set up for the surgery.We decided to set the surgery up for the 18th so I go to the hospital on the 17th and have a whole lot of tests done and things and then the morning of the 18th, I go into surgery. They will go in and completely revamp the way that my digestive system works. Essentially, I will start all over as if I was a baby. I will be in the hospital for 4(ishdays and once I am out, I will be able to resume regular life with one small change.... I will only be able to eat a few ounces per sitting and I will be loosing weight like crazy!
Since the beginning of September, we have been doing a bible study about addictions to food called Made to Crave. I have been learning all about how we were, as human beings, made to crave but how God intended it to be us craving Him, not food (or money or whatever you crave.) I have spent my entire life craving foods to fill a void that I didn't even realize was there. I am very excited to move on to this new chapter in my life. The chapter where sexual abuse has no control over me and where food is no longer an addiction! A life where I am comfortable in my own skin. At no point have I ever wished to be a twig. I will never be a size 2 but I would be really happy in a size 12.
I will be posting pictures and updates as we progress through this journey.....