November

This month has been very LONG! The Army can not decide what they are doing with us and if we are going home or staying for the deployment. Justin really wants to go home and I get that but I have an amazing life here. I have awesome friends and I love my church and church family more than I ever thought possible. I learn more and more everyday from my pastors! I realize that this has been coming for a long time but I am still not ready. Justin has been saying that we are staying for the deployment for over 6 months. I finally gave in about 3 months ago and decided that this was going to be a good time for us. Now we are LEAVING!!!????!!!!! I want to go back to the states b/c there will be a possibility of seeing family but they could still put us in California or Arizona or something, how often would we honestly get to see everyone? Not very! Plus we haven't really gotten to do any of the traveling that we wanted to do while we were here and Justin would get R & R plus 30 days of leave once the deployment is over, that is a lot of traveling! Then we could leave!
I realize that I am being selfish! Justin wants to leave b/c of his NCOs and b/c he wants to advance his career but we are not guaranteed that his next unit will be better than this one! What if they are worse then these guys? I just needed to get all of this off of my chest! I am trying REALLY hard to let God have all of this and know that he has a plan one way or the other but it is HARD! I want to plan it out and know where we are going and have a perfect PCS.... can someone hook me up with that? Please?
Anyway....
I am also a bit depressed right now. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming and Grandma isn't here and Lord, I miss her. I realize that we all fought through Christmas every year but I like to remember the better parts. IDK how many more holidays we will have with Pop and that scares me! I am just hoping that we get to have one holiday with him before he passes. I am excited that he is getting so involved and has so much going on, maybe he has a couple more years left! I would love that! The thought of Piper not know him, just makes me want to cry.
On a happier note, Amber is doing really well. She has a boyfriend who she seems to really like. It is her first boyfriend since she has been in Germany. They were really respectful about bringing their relationship to our attention. He has been over and hung out with us a bunch and I really like him. He is very respectful and has even come to church with us!
Piper is doing really well. She is teething so we have dealt with a few nights of no sleep and some fevers but other than that, she is just growing like a weed! I am so in love with her! She grows more and more everyday!

This week's happenings

I decided that I should probably post the whole story so that the people who are far away can know what is going on....
I have been dealing with a very long menstrual cycle since the 30th of August with very minimal cramping or problems. They have been trying to figure out how to get the bleeding to stop now for over 6 weeks with birth control and other medications. 
On Wednesday (the 20th) I woke up with Piper at 5 am and had some cramping but it still wasn't bad enough to keep me awake. I fed her and went back to bed. At 9 am, we  got up for the day. I started to feed her and by the time she was done, I was doubled over in pain. I had Amber come home at 9:30 b/c I thought it was just really bad cramps. By 10 am I realized that it was MUCH more than that. Lauren came to pick me up and took me to the German hospital in Birkenfeld. I saw the doctor and he said that I was 2-3cm dilated, and that he was very concerned about all the blood. that I was losing. We decided to do a D & C. Lauren took Piper and I went into surgery. When I came, out the doctor said that he was not sure whether or not I had miscarried but that I had lots of Polyps in my uterus and that he had gotten rid of them. I came home from the hospital that same night. Sarah stayed with me to be sure that I didn't need any help.
On Thursday (the 21st) I already had an appt here in Baumholder which I went to. She said that I had, in fact, miscarried a very early term baby and that I just needed to take it easy as if I had just had a baby and that the bleeding should stop within 1-2 days. Yesterday (the 23) the bleeding and cramping had gotten worse and worse since Thursday so we decided to go to the ER in Landstuhl. The doctor there did an ultrasound to make sure that everything was okay and some blood work. The blood work showed that my levels were way too low to have been pregnant two days ago so that I had in fact not been pregnant but that I do have a Corpus Luteal cyst on my ovary. It is not supposed to be able to become cancerous or give us any problems with consecutive pregnancies, but I will be sure to follow up with my normal OB-GYN. I am just so very RELIEVED that I did not loose another baby. Justin is home taking very good care of me and and I could not be more grateful for my friends. Lauren, Sarah, and Amber took very good care of me through out all of this!
If anyone has ever dealt with any of these problems, please let me know.

11 Sep 2010

So every year today is very hard for me. For some reason this year, it has been even harder. I always cry, I always pray all day, I always think of how hard it must be on the families to not only have lost their loved ones but to have lost them so publicly. I woke up this morning to a happy baby, got her out of bed and fed her, cuddled with her and then turned on the computer. When I signed in the first thing that I saw was a video that my cousin posted about 9/11, I watched it and a few others and cried a lot. Then I thought about how the people who lost their loved ones must feel, wives, husbands, sons, daughter, sisters, brothers, mothers, and fathers. I thought about all the people who have been affected by 9/11 that did not know anyone there. The people who just feel for them, like me. I thought about what I would do if I lost my little girl or my parents to something so horrific. 

After about an hour of prayer and pondering, we continued with our day. We went to the CARE fair that our post was putting on to prepare us for the deployment . As I walked around, smile on my face, I looked at all of these soldiers walking around with their families. I thought about my own husband and how he feels that he is doing nothing right now because they are just cooks and just in the field or garrison. Then, about the fact that I talked him into signing a infantry contract and for the first time since we made that decision, I got a little scared. When we decided that he should go infantry it was (and still is) because we wanted him to have some training since he likes to go out on missions and get into the thick of things and because we wanted him to feel like he was doing something. We thought about the fact that he got hurt as a cook and therefore is NOT invincible and could still get hurt regardless and we decided that it would be the best decision to make for him to go infantry. As I thought about all of this and all of the soldiers who have stood in my very footsteps who never made it home, I began to just be overwhelmed by a sense on anger coupled with immense pride. I was angry because who could have so much hatred for a whole nation as to want to kill innocent people? Who could want so badly to make an example out of themselves that they would hijack and crash a plane into a building and kill thousands with no recognition that they are human beings? Did God skip over the hearts in their chest? I don't understand. And pride because not only do I get to be a wife to Justin, but I get to be part of something that not everyone understands. To be in the Army, in any fashion (Soldier, spouse, child, etc), is HARD work. 

To be a soldier and go to foreign lands and be in harms way is an immense burden that no human being should have to carry but so many do. It is to truly leave everything that they have been taught about not hurting people and instead go away and do what they have to do. Whether they have to go shake hands with people who could hate you, sew their friends up, or kill insurgents, they do it. They leave their families and miss giant chunks of their children's lives all for very little pay and sometimes not a lot of respect.They turn their hearts off to everything while they are there for a whole year or more and then come home and have to learn how to be "normal" again. 

To be an Army wife means to, not only support your husband and be fully reserved yet empathetic while your husband tells you the tales of the things that he has seen, done, and experienced but also to be a single parent over half of the time. To support them all even though your heart is being ripped to shreds too. And to wipe away all the tears every time Daddy leaves and help them to come back together and be comfortable again once they come home. To pray every night that they will come home safe because life without them is just unimaginable but a very real possibility. 

For a child to love their parents is an instant bond. They know the moment they see you that you are going to protect them. They want, as young children, to be protected by us. To come to their parents and have their boo-boos kissed and make everything right in the world. They didn't ask to be a Military kid. They didn't ask to have a parent who is only home sometimes; who works ridiculous hours when they are home and who is in the field or deployed over half of their lives. They learn how to cope with Daddy not being home and learn how to go back and forth between one parent and two.

I have always loved that Elizabeth Stone quote, "Making the decision to have a child- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." I can not even imagine the agony that it must be to have a child go off to war. I can not imagine Piper ever being anywhere but under my protection or ever feeling a second of pain. So to be the parent of a service member must be the worst feeling in the world. When Justin is deployed, I spend every minute of that time with a knot in my stomach and I didn't birth him. We have an amazing love and connection but it is nothing like a mother's love. 

After the CARE fair, we went to lunch and on TV was the news of course talking about 9/11 and showing that horrific footage. As we were sitting there Amber said to us that we shouldn't have any of the Muslims in the US which just hurt my heart. If that is the rule, then what about all of the other countries that we have been at war with before and now their people are US citizens? What of the Germans? Should we condemn them because of what their ancestors did? Well no! Of course we would not do that! We are to love them anyway. Not all Muslims are awful and believe in those ways... some of them, I am sure a lot of them, in fact, believe in peace. 

As I was thinking about all of this, I was just overwhelmed. I am so grateful to all of the service members who are fighting for our freedom. They are amazingly giving people who deserve all of our respect. I am also grateful to everyone who has already served and has put their lives on the line in the past. (i.e. my dad and grandpa and John). Also, to all of the Fire Fighters and Police Officers who risk their lives every day on our own streets dealing with the "hoodlums" in our own country. I pray that nothing like 9/11 ever happens again and that we can finish our duty in Iraq and Afghanistan and have all of our troops come home for good! 
****Also, please note that our troops may be "pulling out of Iraq" but that does not in any way mean that they are safe. If they get to actually leave, they are likely to go to Afghanistan instead. They can change the name of the types of units that they are sending there but these people are still in harms way everyday. They are still doing their jobs and protecting us and putting our lives above their own everyday. 
Sorry this is sooooo long but I had a lot on my mind today!

Back to School Picnic & Piper's sleeping

So the Lord has been truly dealing with me about tithing for the last few months. I have been trying for a LONG while to get right with God and figure out who I am and where my life is supposed to be as a Christian, as a wife, as a mother, and just as a human being in general. Our church has been steadily loosing people and they have not been getting replaced. Our budget has not been being met every week and for a few months, Justin and I have been extremely concerned about our church as a whole. Even the people who have been at Trinity for 10+ years have left this year. Anyway, we have a back to school picnic every year the Sunday before school starts. I decided a while ago to be the POC for planning this event. It is normally just a big picnic and we just hang out and enjoy ourselves for a while and then go home. This year, God really started working on my heart that we had to do more than that. Between the beautiful women that I get to call my friends and I, we came up with a bunch of ideas of what this picnic could have and what we could do to get people from the community involved. We decided that we would put up posters to let people know about it and we would get a bouncy castle and do some races and things and really try to get get the community involved. Amber and I have worked our hineys off this week getting everything done and today was the picnic. The weather was cold and rainy and I truly just wanted to stay home in my nice warm, dry house but do you know what happened instead? God showed up! There was at least 6 or 7 new families that showed up and got to touch base with some of the people at our church and talk to us. Jacque helped me to come out of my comfort zone too by making me talk to the new people that did come! I was so uncomfortable but it was okay because we got new people to make contact with us and if only one of those 6 families shows up and continues to come, that's okay with me. God was there and He showed out! I am just so blessed that He moved in my heart and allowed me to work in his name! Praise God!

Ok, on a totally separate note, on Monday we began trying to get Piper to sleep without having to be put to sleep. It is very hard to be able to let my not even 5 month old cry it out and I realize that some parents start doing this at 2 or 3 months and some don't start until their children are 10 but we decided that she is plenty old enough to start putting herself to sleep. Anyway, she cried for 30 + minutes for the first couple of days but Friday she went to bed without crying at all, yesterday she fussed for less than 10 minutes and tonight (even though she was over tired) she only took about 20 minutes of intermittent fussing to go to sleep! She is getting so big! I am so grateful for such an absolutely amazing baby!

Life is good, we are blessed! Piper is doing well and getting big, Amber goes back to school tomorrow and Justin is getting more used to being in the field and I am just kind of hanging out! I am trying to decide whether or not I want to go back to school this semester. I want to and we are here for a long while but I just don't know! We shall see!

on my birthday...

So this morning after talking to my mom at our 7:13 norm, I was feeding and loving on Piper and started thinking about her birthdays to come and how by the time she turns a year, she might be talking, crawling, walking, etc and how it is amazing to me that she is such a big girl already then I started thinking about where we would be if Malachi had been born. Some days it hurts me so much that he isn't here. Some days, I truly believe that I am going to go crazy if I think about him anymore! I just don't get it. I don't think that I am going to get it until I meet God. Why is it that i have friends and family who would be GREAT parents and yet they are fighting tooth and nail, like I did, to get pregnant, then there are kids who are getting pregnant, no problem??????????? Or adults who haven't grown up yet or are drug addicts or who abuse their kids????????????????????? Yea, I was still doing all the bad stuff when I got pregnant with him, but as soon as I found out, I quit! I stopped everything cold turkey so that he could have what was best! On days like today, when I am letting myself feel these feelings, it is hard to feel anything else. I am sooooo overwhelmed by all of the anger that I still feel about losing him. I don't understand what God's point was, to give him to me and then take him away?!?! I wonder what he would look like? Would he have had my nose, like Piper's? Would Justin and I still be together? Would we be in the Army? Where would we be and what would we be doing? I just wish that I would have gotten to hold him and love him. I hope and pray that he felt no pain!
Sorry this is so morbid but it's what is on my mind this morning. I just let myself go there for once. I hope that I get to hold him one day in heaven!

First Date

So tonight was our very first date since before Piper was born. I didn't realize how much we truly needed some alone time to just reconnect and love on each other. I, of course, kind of freaked out before we left. She fell asleep in my arms and I was sitting there holding her and Justin came in to see if I was ready to go and I just burst into tears because I couldn't fathom leaving my baby. Sarah, mind you, has been in child care for over 10 years and works at the CDC and is certified and everything and still I was freaking out! And Amber was here and she knows all the tricks to calm her down too because she is home all of the time with me, and still I was freaking out! I now think that I am a little crazy but that is okay! I worked to hard to get pregnant then to get through that horrible pregnancy to just leave her. She is still so little! But I did it and it was so nice. We called one time to check on her about half way through dinner and then we even stayed for a good 45 minutes afterward to just sit and talk and reconnect. It was amazing how much we had to talk about that had nothing to do with Piper or Amber or work, just talking! Now he is sleeping soundly and snoring in our bed and I feel so rejuvenated that I can't go to sleep! Oh well, it'll come soon enough! I love my life and my marriage and I am so grateful to have such amazing people in my life to help out when I am in need and to push me to take some time for me and teach me that I have to put my marriage first! Nighty Night!

It's been an emotional day!

For the last three or four weeks I have just not been wanting to go to church. I just want to stay home in my cocoon, only on Sundays. I have pushed myself and we haven't missed a Sunday yet and I am always so glad that I pushed because they are always awesome sermons. I have no idea what is going on with that but hopefully I will get over it soon.


On our way to church this morning, we were listening to "I learned from you" by Miley Cyrus and that is how I feel about Grammy. I learned so much from her. She was crazy and made me crazy and we butted heads more often than not but she loved me and I miss her. Today has been one of the really hard days for her to be gone. I just miss her so much! She left us way too early. I miss talking to her and her being my inlet to the family.


Plus, Piper is teething again so her schedule is all off. Some days I feel like all that I do is hold her and console her and that Amber does everything else. Some days I feel like I rely on her too much and that she always winds up taking care of the house while I go crazy with Piper. I am grateful that she is willing to do it, I just feel bad for making her have to take care of the house. I adore Piper but but some days it is hard to be her mom.


Then, tonight we had Justin's new E-7 over for supper who seems like a good guy. He is a Christian and he says that there are going to be some changes in the way that the DFAC is run. Lord, I hope so. I am just so sick and tired of it always being us who get screwed. Justin has not taken leave since R & R and yet here we are 22 months later and guess who hasn't gotten to take leave since then? Oh yea, my husband! GRRRR! Then we say okay we'll just go to Italy for a 4-day weekend and enjoy ourselves a little bit before Amber starts back in school. They deny that too yet other people, including the jerk who wouldn't let us take leave or have a 4-day, get to go on 2 freaking weeks of leave???? How is that fair????Then I find out that his stupid NCO let a couple of soldiers take a 4 day this weekend. Are you kidding me? All I asked for was 3 or 4 days in a row that my husband can spend some time focusing on his family! How is it that the Army is forever talking about how families come first and all but then they don't let their friggin soldier take leave??!?!?!?!?!?!? Are you kidding me? I am so very frustrated with the whole thing. I let everything roll off of my back with the Army. I don't spazz out when Justin works late. I don't freak out because he was supposed to have 3 days off last week and didn't get any of them. I don't freak because Piper doesn't get to see her dad even when he is in Baumholder because these people are so inept at their jobs that Justin has to be there all the time. NOPE! I don't ever freak out. I invite these people over for supper and play hostess and try to not take it out on Justin. I spend my days and nights just being Piper's mom. I love my job, don't get me wrong but sometimes it would be nice to have a partner for raising my daughter. Sometimes it would be nice if Justin actually got to spend some time with her father and I got to see my husband. I am sooooooo over this ridiculousness. And they still  can't tell us whether or not we are staying here in this stupid place for the deployment?!?!? I want to go home! I want to be with my family! I want Piper to meet her Great Grandfather before he dies! I just hate the Army life sometimes!
Okay now I am done venting! I guess at some point this will all blow over too! I am on my way to bed in hopes that maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I will wake up and Piper will be in no pain and Jessie and I will get to enjoy some girlie time going through her house. I am not looking forward to her moving. I know she doesn't want to talk about it but My God, she has become a part of our family. She is supposed to be here. I have watched Aaron grow from 6 months old and now he talks and walks and is so smart and he knows that I am his Aunt Katie and I was there the day that Eli was born. They are not going to have any idea who I am when they get older! I am just going to be one more person in a picture that they don't remember. I will miss them sooooo much! Then there is Jason, who is a clumsy, adorable, giant hearted guy who has also become like family to us. I don't want to have to break in new friends! This part of the Army I will never be able to get used to!
Alright, Good night!

Day 1

So I decided that I would start a blog because we are so far away from our family and they don't really get to be involved in our day very often. We are so far away and the time change is hard to get around.
Today is just another day. Justin is working, Amber is still sleeping, Piper is playing in her swing and I am getting ready to go to the gym. Sarah and I have started working out three times a week in hopes that I can get some of this weight off and maybe build the muscles up that I lost during the pregnancy. Also, I have begun keeping track of my caloric intake. I went to the dietitian in Landstuhl and she sent me to have my metabolism checked. I have not been eating enough good foods when I "diet" so I pretty much go on a diet and don't loose anything because I am eating only 1800 calories which is 1,000 less than I need. I have been trying to learn how to eat well... it is easier said than done. I never realized how much sodium you take in everyday!
Other than figuring out how to take in enough calories without the majority of them being chocolate :), life is just good. Justin goes to the field in a week which I am upset about but we'll get through. Amber starts school back in two weeks. And Piper gets her shots on the 17th.