22 August 2010

on my birthday...

So this morning after talking to my mom at our 7:13 norm, I was feeding and loving on Piper and started thinking about her birthdays to come and how by the time she turns a year, she might be talking, crawling, walking, etc and how it is amazing to me that she is such a big girl already then I started thinking about where we would be if Malachi had been born. Some days it hurts me so much that he isn't here. Some days, I truly believe that I am going to go crazy if I think about him anymore! I just don't get it. I don't think that I am going to get it until I meet God. Why is it that i have friends and family who would be GREAT parents and yet they are fighting tooth and nail, like I did, to get pregnant, then there are kids who are getting pregnant, no problem??????????? Or adults who haven't grown up yet or are drug addicts or who abuse their kids????????????????????? Yea, I was still doing all the bad stuff when I got pregnant with him, but as soon as I found out, I quit! I stopped everything cold turkey so that he could have what was best! On days like today, when I am letting myself feel these feelings, it is hard to feel anything else. I am sooooo overwhelmed by all of the anger that I still feel about losing him. I don't understand what God's point was, to give him to me and then take him away?!?! I wonder what he would look like? Would he have had my nose, like Piper's? Would Justin and I still be together? Would we be in the Army? Where would we be and what would we be doing? I just wish that I would have gotten to hold him and love him. I hope and pray that he felt no pain!
Sorry this is so morbid but it's what is on my mind this morning. I just let myself go there for once. I hope that I get to hold him one day in heaven!

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie....you got to love him, because you love him now. I know how hard this is...because I have personally been in these shoes.

    I am sure you've heard the rote answer...we live in a fallen world, sin took over and death had to happen; bad things fall on the just and the unjust. I know those things didn't mollify my anger and grief as I watched my neighbor eat very little and smoke her way through her baby's pregnancy...and end up with a healthy little girl weeks before I should have given birth to Christy.

    So instead of hanging onto what I didn't know or understand, I CLUNG to what I did know. That God loves me, that He used Christy's death to GROW me, both as a person and a mom. Maybe it was the only way that growth would have happened...the only way I would have listened. I don't know.

    I DO know that Christy and Malachi are both waiting in Heaven for their mommas. They'll have so much to show us, Katie. "Momma! Look at the flowers around the throne! Aren't they beautiful??!!" I DO know that neither of them are ever going to be hurt, emotionally or physically...never going to have to suffer at all. I think they are lucky. They only know His goodness. And that is amazing. Our hurt...is OURS. They are safe.