So this morning after talking to my mom at our 7:13 norm, I was feeding and loving on Piper and started thinking about her birthdays to come and how by the time she turns a year, she might be talking, crawling, walking, etc and how it is amazing to me that she is such a big girl already then I started thinking about where we would be if Malachi had been born. Some days it hurts me so much that he isn't here. Some days, I truly believe that I am going to go crazy if I think about him anymore! I just don't get it. I don't think that I am going to get it until I meet God. Why is it that i have friends and family who would be GREAT parents and yet they are fighting tooth and nail, like I did, to get pregnant, then there are kids who are getting pregnant, no problem??????????? Or adults who haven't grown up yet or are drug addicts or who abuse their kids????????????????????? Yea, I was still doing all the bad stuff when I got pregnant with him, but as soon as I found out, I quit! I stopped everything cold turkey so that he could have what was best! On days like today, when I am letting myself feel these feelings, it is hard to feel anything else. I am sooooo overwhelmed by all of the anger that I still feel about losing him. I don't understand what God's point was, to give him to me and then take him away?!?! I wonder what he would look like? Would he have had my nose, like Piper's? Would Justin and I still be together? Would we be in the Army? Where would we be and what would we be doing? I just wish that I would have gotten to hold him and love him. I hope and pray that he felt no pain!
Sorry this is so morbid but it's what is on my mind this morning. I just let myself go there for once. I hope that I get to hold him one day in heaven!